My puppy turned one this week, but I’m having a difficult time wanting to celebrate because I have some built up bitterness towards her. So in honor of her birthday, I’d like to use this opportunity to express all my grievances in the form of this letter, so that we can put our differences aside and properly celebrate her first year of life.
You are oh so incredibly annoying.
You are STILL not potty trained. I’m at my wits end with you. We’ve tried schedules, we’ve tried consistency, and we’ve even tried punishing you when you poop in the house. But as expected, you respond to not one of those methods. You’re the reason I spent $60 and an entire Saturday shampooing carpets. You’re also the reason I want a cat. Thanks a million. And just when I thought those puppy potty training pads would save the day, you ate them.
And speaking of eating, you eat EVERYTHING. From carpet to Luke’s dresser drawer knob, you eat it all. Everything is viewed as food, ready to be devoured. You dump over my trash can daily, dragging out each piece of garbage and spreading it throughout my room. And I especially love it when you chew on my socks, or eat food right out of my hand.
You’re abusive. When the other two dogs are just minding their business, quietly napping in the corner, there you are, gnawing at one of their ears. And poor little Zoey, she’s so overweight, and instead of having compassion, you mercilessly maul the poor thing until someone intervenes.
Somehow in the last year, the lines between human and dog have been blurred, and you really seem to have lost sight of who is in charge. I’m going to let you in on a secret – it isn’t you. So please, do me a favor, and understand: my food is not your food, my socks are not your socks, and most importantly- my bed is not your bed!
You leave me wondering daily what your problem is. You need major help and really, you’re just pretty clueless in general. I know there are some pretty dumb dogs out there, but you my friend, surpass them all.
Happy Birthday Stinker!